And If I Were Your Sister...

I can put up with a lot of crap. Truly, it takes a lot for me to become irritated or angry. Additionally, there are a lot of Jordanian idiosyncrasies that I just chalk up as: "oh that's just Jordan for you." But there is one thing about living in Jordan that I absolutely cannot stand and, on a day like today, it can make me cry. The staring. Everywhere I go, no matter what I wear, I am constantly being stared at. For the majority of the time, I simply keep my chin up and look right past the stares. I know that, mainly, the women are staring out of curiosity. I can understand this. But, it is the stares of the men that get under my skin. These aren't flattering looks but, rather, the kind that make me feel cheap and whorish. On days like today, I want to cover my hair and face and stare at the ground while I walk. I want to yell at them: "STOP STARING!" and "What do you want from me??" I want to ask them: "Why are you watching me? I am just a girl! Haven't you ever seen a girl before?" I want to appeal to their emotions and say: "If I were your sister, would you look at me that way? If I were your sister, and you saw a man looking at her that way, would you let him do it? Would you let him stare?"

Today, I couldn't deal with it. I took a 3 hour midterm exam. After, I went to find a cab but couldn't, so I decided to walk the 40 minutes home. I wish I had waited for a cab. About 15 minutes into my walk, a bus pulled up beside me and 3 men got off. The first looked at me and said something I didn't entirely understand. I did catch the phrase "work of the night." That, along with is unflattering gaze gave me as much of his intention as I needed to understand. I stood for a few seconds longer and saw the other men on the bus watching me and some laughing. I couldn't take it. The tears came. I tried to stop but it just made it worse. And the people I passed noticed. I know they saw which made me cry because I was upset and because I was embarrassed for crying. 

I know that this is something I am just going to have to learn to deal with. That doesn't make it easy. In fact, it is very difficult. I have always been a fan of remaining unnoticed as much as possible. Here, I don't have an option to be unnoticed, to sneak away. I only have the option of keeping my chin up.